i am sad. but i try to be happy, because if you laugh the world laughs with you, but if you cry you cry alone. or whatever that is. so i wake up and stretch and have my breakfast- cereal and soy milk and tea- and read the new yorker and that's the best part of my day. really. the rest i just trudge through with a smile that is not real. i go to school, and i like the harp girls, and i like some other people, and people seem to invite me to do social things a lot, and that's nice, but i never do. i don't want to. i'm here to work, and i do that, i practice, eat lunch, practice more, go to the gym or do homework, eat dinner, practice more, come home. and i'm living in my head, planning out my days, my meals, do i need more lettuce or apples or cereal. and i talk to shawn, which is mixed. good to talk, but sad that that's all we have. i stash cookies and chocolate for when i'm sad, but i never eat them because i'm always sad, and i know that cookies won't make it better. i like having them, though.

and i guess it's silly to plan a life that makes you happy now, when you know that what you're doing will be the best thing for later. but isn't it silly to assume that there will be a later, and that what i want will be the same? we're so perfect together now. we're so happy when we're together. sure, if i live until i'm 80 then two years is not that long. but why do i have any reason to believe that i won't get hit by a car and die tomorrow, and that all this time is wasted time that i could be spending waking up happy, and having each day be happy, instead of waiting for each day to end so it's finally tomorrow and i'm one day closer to being somewhere else? because i don't like it here. i like the harp and playing in these orchestras, but that doesn't make my life. i want to be near my family, and near my shawny. and warm.

but now i'm stuck.

  posted by meg @ 3:30 PM